I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
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Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I met a microbiologist today…
He was a lot bigger than I expected.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
First I was a pebble..
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.