I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
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Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I feel this so hard
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.