I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
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“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
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THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too