I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
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[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
he was correct
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan