I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
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Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
decorating my apartment
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.