I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
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my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Breaking news:
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha