Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.

I said, “Are you’re addicted?”

He said, “Yeah, obviously.”

I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”

“Probably everyone knows.”

My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.

i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.

*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts

“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”

– Me yesterday

I regret everything….

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.

Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-

Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing

Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.

*whispers*
Judged you.

‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby

shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me

The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly