I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
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If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Merica.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
