Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating Tips
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Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.

You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”

*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*

NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon

Me: good, return them to their natural habitat

Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.

Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…

DATE: Wtf are you doing?

ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.

Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?

How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea

Me: *rocks boat*

Her: Hey!

Me: *rocks faster*

Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?

Me: I do.

What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?

Well I couldn’t give two hoots.

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

The Others (2001)

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.