Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.

5: how many numbers do you love me?

Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much

5: aw I love you 24

rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.

He loved it so much he walked himself up.

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!

Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.

[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.

Ugh. My bed is infested with children.

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him

Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.