I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
You Might Also Like
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
Gas station lines at 2 am:
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I have no idea what she’s talking about.