Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-

Me: LANGUAGE!

10: -OG!

Me: ohhh my bad, carry on

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway

Thanks to a fan for this one!

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

I might carry a baby with one hand.

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

Looking at you, Jesus.

I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁

Normalize ordering a straw with your soup

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”

I preheated the oven to make dinner.

We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

A tragic love story in two pictures.

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

Check your privilege

When you’ve simply given up.

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.

[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.

To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.