I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
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*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.