I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
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Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
favorite tropes as memes
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Me, reading some of your tweets
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
