I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
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I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
There is no “we” in pizza
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity