Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato

HER: It’s really hot in here

ME: [starts baking] oh no

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.

“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

also my go-to takeaway order

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:

4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.

Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.

4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.

Me: …why?

4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.

Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.

ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.

Husband: On it!

I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.

Is fake venison called venisn’t

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.

On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.