I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
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Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better