I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
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I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
If only.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some