I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
You Might Also Like
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
No president next term. America needs to be single for a while to focus on herself.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Leaving the Barbers like
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.