I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
