I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
When you’re here for the treats.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam
The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there
Me, always: what wobble?
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
j o i m p
