I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
