I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
You Might Also Like
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*