I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
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“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny