I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
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Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
aura
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”