Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sunset]

Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]

Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.

Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.

Me when I hear gossip

Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

Me: *pulls a glass push door*

Wife:

Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*

Wife:

Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door

Wife: *nods* weird door

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

Me high af: are you in line?

Mannequin:

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”

It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”

If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*

*Adds history major to resumé*

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.

Imagine having a party on purpose.

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?

Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.