Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.

Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.

Every relationship needs boundaries…

….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

[family picnic]

ME: *flipping brats on the grill*

WIFE: have you seen the kids

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt

[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts

May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*

[applies for name change]

June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*

[leaves the country]

little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies

Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.

That’s me in a nutshell.

Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

[himalayan monastery]

me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!

dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide