Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Meme Monday.

Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR

I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

Cheer up.

Hear toddler having meltdown at Target

Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test

If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”

My niece: ok grammar

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.