I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
You Might Also Like
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
This Tweet from @gnuman1979 has been withheld in response to a report from the copyright holder. Learn more.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
let’s discuss
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
yes… yes…
A choir of Spring onions
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work