I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
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Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
What’s a Messi?
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
guys i’ve cracked the code
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I painted a hot chick with big jugs