Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.

Me: What am I?

4-year-old: In the way.

What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?

Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.

I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.

the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”

Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.

Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.

“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”

“So you don’t end up like me”

“What, awesome?”

“Alright fine, no school today”

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.

Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.

*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though

Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules

My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.