Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

The Book. The Movie.

Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.

Is it because I’m brown??

“Damn girl, you look hot”

Really?

“Like a sexy little italian car”

DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?

*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*

*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*

*gets attacked by moth*

*falls off chair*

Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks

i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain

That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.

Why is a good book described as a real page turner?

That’s my minimum requirement in a book

Pages that turn

First day of gondolier training:

You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?

Singing. You have to sing.

Sing?! How could this job be any worse?

Wait, let me get your costume.

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.