I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
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If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?
Me: I need printer ink.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Something Saturday.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.