Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.

“I hate karaoke.”

“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”

“Now, I hate you too.”

If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open

What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?

Beware of the dog..

I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”

“Perfect.”

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.

CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT

WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw