I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
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You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.