I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
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*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
The first one, obviously
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
E
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ᴱ
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
That eye roll….
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??