I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
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Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover
Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
