Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.

I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.

“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”

-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.

Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?

Me neither.

Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.

Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.

WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM

There was romance over dinner last night.

Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”

“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”

“And run the hospital cafeteria!”

“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”

[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…