IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
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Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Word!
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.