IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
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I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.