I’m crying im so happy for them
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When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
worst…sale…ever
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.