I’m crying im so happy for them
You Might Also Like
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.