I’m crying im so happy for them
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Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
My Parenting Wrapped 2024 includes 525600 minutes of not being listened to
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.