i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
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Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.