i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
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Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
You know I’m something of a chef myself
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.