Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out

[ducks under the police tape]

detective: and get these ducks outta here

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby

Case of beer: I have a boyfriend

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

surgeon: are… are you still awake?

me: man i got a lot going on right now

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

Dad: Are you hungry?

Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!

Dad: I was asking the dog.

Me:

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*

Lord: oh manservant

Me: yes, my lord?

Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?

Me: yes, my lord

Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂

nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude

I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps

an octopus is just a wet spider

It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air

Michael Cera:

Sensor: *bursts into flames*

Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.