I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
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A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Good news! I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
The pasta is now
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Nah man don’t buy AirPods. You need the Sony WH-1000XM5-WHCH720N-WF1000XM5-CH520
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.