I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
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I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.
Body: here’s another chin
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
🤣😂🤣
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.