Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.

*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*

My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.

My nephew: Ok i’ll try.

Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.

I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

I ain’t wearing no wire

Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.

Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.

Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.

“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

[emergency room]

DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain

ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox

doctor: what seems to be the problem

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

doctor: go on

t-rex: because I’ve got little arms

doctor: get out

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.

[literally every petting zoo]

Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?

Me: [shrugs] I guess

Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making