I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
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Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.