I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
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I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Human are so complicated
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton