I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
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Tonight at my family reunion my husband played a game of volleyball with a handful of 8-year-olds and afterward he told me, with such pride, “I learned that I’m actually pretty athletic.”
8-year-olds. One of them had a cast. Another was eating ice cream the entire time.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
You are not alone 💚
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell