I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
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I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
twitter users today:
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.