I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
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I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Not messing around
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.