I’m cryingdjdjdhj and she was serious too 😭😭😭
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I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
Every work call, he judges.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
When they try to steal your moment.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.