I’M CRYINGGG
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They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
“Worm Regards”
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.