I’M CRYINGGG
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I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Saturday
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.