I’M CRYINGGG
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therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Noah was an idiot.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜