I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
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My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf