I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
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“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Wikigenius
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
