I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
You Might Also Like
just leave it at the foot of the bed
ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.
WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?
ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.
HER: Get out.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Whoa 😂
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.