So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
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My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Y’all ready for this
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Me, flirting😏
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*