I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
You Might Also Like
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I feel attacked.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”