Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”

*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.

Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”

Me: *swirls drink* “No”.

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

[Games store]

ME: Do you sell chess sets?

SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is

My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.

“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”

-Sharks in Malaysia

I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

Why didn’t I go pee earlier.

– My tombstone

16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-

WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: in these trying times

me: AHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: you can count on toyota

me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH

youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

got my mind on my money and my money

is nowhere to be found.

Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”

I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.

*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*

Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”

“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no