I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
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Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
After how many years should you clean your microwave?