Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

daughter: oh sure, blame all your troubles on me! that’s the only reason you had me!

me: you know that’s not true, Patsy

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

[hours after first date]

HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.

*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.

My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.

Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.

However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.

#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes

My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

Me: Ping me when you are free.

Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.

When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.

I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.

Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip