I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
You Might Also Like
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92