I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
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Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Catercrombie & Fish
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
This guy’s not having it 😆
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.