I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
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[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
🙁
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.