Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own

[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills

You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.

*on blind date*

Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?

Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!

“This cashier is a dipshit.”

– Me at self checkout

Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.

Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas

The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”

at library

ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!

LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?

BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste