Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKING

How Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

[Jurassic Park]

JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!

ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island

JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

[in prison]

me: so u guys come here often?

One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”

“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!

how high up are we talkin’?

My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn

New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.

Me: want some advice?

New dad: please!

Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.

New dad: okay.

Me: step 2 drink it all.

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.

Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!