I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
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Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Only Americans understand
rise and shine we got egg
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
look detective, we’re ALL looking for a hot 5’ 10” guy with athletic build and strong follow through instincts
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
how do i get recruited by a cult i need some direction in my life
It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
spot the difference
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.