I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
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All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
This one, by a wide margin
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
stretching isn’t enough I need to be able to disassemble my body like legos
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”