I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
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wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox