I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
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Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
bears
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Accidentally wore a blue shirt to Walmart and now I’m in the stockroom showing Sue how to use the forklift.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here