I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
You Might Also Like
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
when you are just born a rebel
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.