Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down

me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?

Cop: I need another ticket book.

The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad

Me: so happy music makes me happy

Therapist: yea

Me: and sad music makes me sad

Therapist: yea

Me: and I’m sad

Therapist: yea

Me: therefore I should listen to sad music

Therapist: so close

Nobody:

8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

*Hands you a handbasket*

You know what to do…….

BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*

AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.

Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.

Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker

Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.