Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.

Me: What about sharks?

Society: We’ll give them a whole week.

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!

when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there

Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.

Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*

I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

how to market bottled water to dads

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]

Me: wait—

Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]

Me: wtf

Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone