I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
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*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
wait.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high